When I tx my last pregnancy in May, I started running. I’m not a runner. I did a brief running stint in college the summer before my senior year. That’s it. But, I needed to do something… So, I started running. I trained for a 5k using this great app called “Get Running.” I actually looked forward to running- outrageous! I was thinking that I would do my own 5k run the week of my due date to honor her. It just so happened that there was a 5K this past weekend for grieving children and their families. It was perfect for what I needed. My DH and DD went with me to cheer me on. I completed the whole race… and I wasn’t the last one. It was just amazing! They had mural on the wall where we could write something about the loved one we lost. Later, we went to a special place for us, and we burned the picture I had of the baby’s hand and feet so her “ashes” would always be there. We read the story “Guess How Much I Love You.” We cried. It really is over now.
Today was my “due date” for baby #2. The baby was a girl. We tx the pregnancy at 14 weeks. I can’t believe how fast the time has gone between then a now. I was suppose to be pregnant right now… or holding a newborn… maybe in labor… maybe soon to be in labor… But, I’m not. It wasn’t meant to be. Her brain didn’t close, and she wouldn’t have survived. Not many people know she ever existed. I have a picture of her perfect tiny little hand and feet. I will burn it this weekend and put the ashes in a special place in honor of her.
I am TTC Baby #3, and I’m hoping to get a chance to make it to my due date. I am thankful for my DD, who said “I love you, Mama” for the first time today. So sweet! Just what I needed to hear. She’s made the past 6 months go by so fast and with mostly happy, upbeat feelings.
I started running after my tx. I am running my first 5K this weekend in honor of the baby I’m not going to have this week. The race raises money for children who are grieving losing a loved one. It just fit perfectly for what I needed. Birth is physical like running, and I am grieving a lost loved one. I hope the weather is nice and that I finish the race!
My 3 post tx AF just ended, and DH and I have decided to start TTC baby #3. I am excited. Then sad when I remember that I should be 6 months pregnant… But I’m not… Yet, it still feels good to have a second chance.
I completed the Couch to 5K program, and I am thrilled to say that I can now jog for 30 minutes straight. I run about 2.5 miles right now. I’m trying to increase my speed so that I can get to 3 miles in 30 minutes. I did it! I started the program once before and quit, but this time I stuck with it and finished.
Unfortunately, the 15 lbs. of baby weight has stuck with me. I’m not sure why… I don’t stick to my diet 100%, so that must be the culprit. It totally sucks, but I keep running and trying to eat healthy.
For entertainment, I spent another $20 on a fertility spell. I did it for the other two pregnancies, so I figured it couldn’t hurt. Positive energy is positive energy. And then I spent $10 emailing a psychic. She said that I will have a healthy child. Our lost baby is our soul mate and will return. It was worth the $10 no matter what happens. I can’t tell you how much I want that to be true.
So, I am looking forward to ovulation and the TWW. I didn’t expect to be doing this again, but here I am. I am putting all my heart into trying to stay positive. I will have a healthy baby… the crystal ball told me so!
I got my post tx af. It was sad to think that all traces of my pregnancy are officially gone now… except for the 15 lbs. I gained in the first trimester. Bleah. I’m working on that. I had my follow-up appointment and a quick pre-conception appointment. We are going to wait until Fall to TTC again. Give me the summer to work off those extra pounds and feel emotionally ready to try again. I want another child, but I am so afraid to try again and risk more bad news.
The genetic counselor says it appears to be a fluke. She recommends I continue to take the extra folic acid and try again when I feel ready. They suggest waiting 3 cycles. I didn’t get a chance to speak with the doctor. They were busy, so a random nurse came to check me. I was a little upset since the doctor had pictures of the baby’s hands and feet. I gave the nurse my email address, and she said the doctor would email them to me. I hope he does that soon. I am anxious for the pictures.
So. I’m not pregnant. I started a running program- Couch to 5k. I am watching what I eat. I am taking my vitamins and medications. I will try to think positively and hope for the best.
The baby was a girl. This alone made me so sad. The genetic testing revealed nothing wrong genetically. Just the encephalocele, which is a neural tube defect. The genetic counselor said it was just random chance since my high dose of folic acid ruled out any affects from the seizure medication. I want to believe that, but I just can’t believe that the medication did not have an affect.
I am having a hard time naming the baby. Part of me wants to believe this little soul will come back to me if we decide to have another child. The other part of me wants to acknowledge that this child existed, was special, and desperately wanted. I decided on the name Rosemary. It means mist of the sea, but it also symbolizes remembrance. It was a big part of our wedding. We had rosemary cookies as wedding favors and a large rosemary wreath over our chairs. Since I was only 14 weeks, there wasn’t a birth certificate, so I gave myself permission to change the “name” if I need to at a later time. It decreased my anxiety over naming her.
I’d like to believe that lightning doesn’t strike twice. I need to believe in my rainbow baby being healthy and happy. I can’t believe it because I know this could happen again. I want to try again almost as desperately as my fear to try again. Only time will tell.
I had my D&E yesterday. Everything went well. Such a sad day. Thankfully, my LO had a wonderful time playing with her grandparents. It felt strange to go to sleep pregnant and wake up not pregnant. I was to terribly sad to lose Baby #2. I’ve been trying to do what I can to remember the baby- ultrasound pictures, writing letters, journaling, etc. It will be sad to go back to work and even sadder as we get closer to my due date.
The only good news I heard yesterday was that they were able to rule out Meckel-Gruber. A possible disorder that would have had a 25% of happening again if we choose to try for another baby. It will probably take about two weeks to get more information. I’m hoping for news that will make it easier to try for another baby. It will be hard to take another chance if the odds aren’t in our favor that things will work out this time. I am interested in finding out the gender. I will be able to name the baby then…
I am thankful for my DD. I know that I am so lucky to have her. She is perfect and wonderful in every way. I want to be able to give her a sibling, but I know it will be ok if we’re unable to do so. It’ll take time to adjust to being a family of three instead of the family of four that I envisioned.
We had our first trimester screen for Baby #2. We got devastating results. Baby #2 has a neural tube defect that has significantly affected the brain. There was a large mass on the brain from what I could see in the ultrasound- it was huge and obvious even to my untrained eyes. Given the options and possible life outcomes for the baby, we are choosing a D&E. So sad and painful to even think about. So not how I anticipated the day ending. The doctor scheduled us for next Tuesday since he is out of town all next week. Given my the possible complications, he didn’t feel comfortable having anyone else do the procedure. It’s hard to wait. Hard to still be pregnant. Hard to see pregnant ladies. Hard to see families of two. But, I work with disabled children. I know what a brain lesion like that means for the child’s quality of life. We’ll find out more after the D&E. They will be able to see if there is more of a genetic component, which is what they are thinking since I am already taking a high dose of folic acid. We’ll know more about our chances of trying again in a few years.
At first we felt we were done having children. We rolled the dice and had one perfect and beautiful child. We rolled the dice again, and we were not so lucky. It would be insane to try a third time! But, after the shock wore off. We decided to find wait until we get more information and then- depending on the information we receive after the D&E- try again in two or so years. Makes it easier to mourn just Baby #2 and not also mourning not having more children as well. First things first.
I am thankful for my wonderful DH. I am thankful for my amazing DD. Because of them, I am lucky even on my unluckiest day.
I went to my first prenatal appointment yesterday. We’ve moved, so it’s a new practice. Nice office. Nice staff. The appointment was 2 hours long! I couldn’t believe how long it was, and I couldn’t believe DD did so great. First I talked with a nurse about all the do and don’t about pregnancy and got a huge bag of magazines and hand-outs. Then I waited a bit for the midwife to be ready. The midwife did a regular exam and then tried to find the heartbeat with a doppler. No such luck! I was disappointed. She said that it was too early to find a heartbeat with a doppler. During my first appointment for DD, I had an ultrasound. I have to wait until the end of the month for my first ultrasound. I’m sure there’s a little baby in there, but it would have been nice to at least hear the heartbeat.
I’m a little fluffy, so I got the speech about nutrition and only gaining 10 lbs. Yeah. I’ve already gained 8 lbs. Now, if I have trouble losing weight generally, I definitely think it’s insane to expect me to lose weight while pregnant. The fatigue and morning sickness are killing me. But, I have a meeting with a nutritionist next month. We’ll see how it goes. It would be nice to limit the weight I gain, but I’m just going to do the best I can.
I’ll feel a lot better when I get a chance to see the LO and hear the heartbeat.
